Some blog notes from over the last month, which has had some turmoil for me:
You find your way, your desires, by going out there and doing. It's nonsense to think that you can think up your way in your head only. Still, you can think up a few cool ideas, and some nifty ways of going places.
You have to do, to do.
Things don't happen as expected. Maybe one can picture a straightforward sequence, but in practice things twist about wildly on the road to success.
As much as I like the Caribbean (which is approximately as much as I thought, more in some ways but less in others), I'm looking forward to seeing other regions. Which I've already noted.
I think & feel waaaay better without much noise. I can only wear earplugs or go out in the countryside so much. Wish there were a better way!
It still feels funny to me to be on a small island. Like you have your own little planet to yourself! :)
Idea: Far Enough
I'd like to go out in the countryside somewhere, in a shack, spend a few months just working. Far enough away from the traffic. I think I'd be way more productive.
Idea: A community of reclusive writers and other artists. They all stay apart, sharing each other's misery. :)
Serious fuckin' noise ordinances in place.
It would have beautiful houses and yarns (and yards), but be seriously dysfunctional.
Artists' cloister? Is that the right word?
After a while with the water going off every other day or so, it's somewhat annoying. It doesn't actually interfere much, if you stock up a bunch of water, but it reminds one of the convenience of running water.
I'm turning Caribbean! I just ate yet ANOTHER bowl of rice & beans.
Fullproof (adj.): Definitely won't fail.
The left brain says "go," the right brain says "stop."
It's OK to listen to the "go" side more often! :)
The noisiness, failures, "problems", are just how things are. Instead of complaining, getting angry, or in other ways focusing on that, focus on better ways to act.
Don't get angry, don't get even, get creative!
I've often felt congested over the years. I was thinking in terms of being near people, dogs, motors, other loud sounds, but I suppose the same word also applies to inner congestion -- nose, maybe thoughts, emotions too.
Seems to apply in large cities as well as small towns. More in some places than in others. It often makes me feel a need for exercise, going out into the country, or the like.
I think a large part of it's just the normal pressures that are there, in the environment. They come through various media -- people, dogs, motors, or whatever. But I think it's wrong or "inutile" to blame the specific direct source. Blaming the messenger. The underlying pressures are there anyways.
I like who I am, how I choose to act.
It's been extremely difficult so far, with many losses, sacrifices, and mistakes along the way. Also, of course I'm imperfect as ever. But at least I like my overall directions! :)
Idea: back hair shampoo. :)
I see an ongoing path, involving continual work while taking some pleasures as well as pains along the way.
Now I think I am getting close to having seen every street in this town.
Jejej, I think I'm addicted to decaf! :)
I've seen a few houses around here with microwaves as mailboxes!
While this place like any has its drawbacks, I like how it feels "normal." It's attractive, but a real or regular community where people reside, rather than having a large rate of tourism. I also like the latter, but wind up seeing many such places, so it's nice to have a break in a normal town.
Seems like there are always problems. I guess just keep on adapting! :)
Each place has its busy times, adapted to the weather and other factors of course. Here in Capesterre Belle-Eau, Guadeloupe, seems like 11 to 12 or 1 midday is a busy time, 4 to 5 or 6 evening is a busy time, 8 to 9 or 10 evening is busy.
Grow strong, solid, sturdy, like a tree! :)
Take in food, sunlight, water, like a tree! :)
Produce, like a tree! :)
I've often been an evening or afternoon person, but I'm becoming a morning person. In part for practical reasons, by choice. My sinuses seem to do better early in the day. There's more sunlight during the day. More stuff's open. I feel more productive when I get an early start. There are some nice quiet periods early in the morning. It feels nice to time one's activities with the sun rising and setting.
I feel extremely lucky about this town (Capesterre Belle-Eau, Guadeloupe), as with Guadeloupe as a country.
I like decaf! I can drink like ten cafes, but instead of going paranoid-hyperactive-insomniac-crazy, I feel normal, even tired by the end of the day! :)
"Life's too fair!" :)
Not sure if I actually believe that.
Adulthood: you start off kind of sketchy, then learn as you grow.
Idea: Cyborg cat! :)
I'm super thankful to have a job, even more so that it's flexible.
Sometimes I make allowances for special occasions. Seems like it's often a special occasion.
Ofishally, sardines are nutritious.
You know you're in a work mode when you're eating white rice and drinking black coffee. Basically some grains with water. :)
Not the most original thought: I think that we can often have a tendency to think of "boring, ordinary" things, while hoping for some later better result. Instead, maybe it makes sense to think of the ordinary things as what we're here for, and to focus on making those the best that we can.
As a writer, I often think to myself along the lines of, "I wish that people would be quieter so that I can concentrate." I think that this is comparable to a soldier saying, "I wish that enemy soldiers wouldn't shoot at me." I don't think that writing is exactly like war, but I think that in both cases one attempts to reach one's objectives on a competitive battlefield. Again, maybe not the most original thought, but something on my mind.
I think that one of my often-made mistakes is to take things too personally. Things (problems) that aren't directed at me, can still frustrate me. I guess it makes more sense to feel the annoyance briefly, but forget about it.
Being able to manage problems can be more important than having technical skills.
Still a struggle, no matter what I try, for me to manage the disgusting distractions that interfere with work or pleasure. Still, I take it as a challenge for me to find ways to deal.
Maybe I need to develop more mental resistance to noises, distractions.
I understand intellectually that these problems pale in comparison to other issues. But emotionally they seem difficult to manage.
Also, I guess that no matter what one does there will be some degree of annoyance. Like how shoes don't fit exactly. So maybe the best one can do is to adjust one's mentality and behaviors to minimize the problems, then just go ahead and deal with the remaining issues.
Our brains seem to produce notions in us that we are at the same time super-invulnerable but also need protection. :)
Having survived a lot of crazy stuff, I feel like the "regular" crazy stuff is somewhat more manageable.
Each day is like a machine, a system. It connects with the last and the next. It has its subcomponents.
The machines (days) fit together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. One extends into another. They're not regular shapes like squares or rectangles. I think it's therefore silly to expect days to have even starts or finishes. There's always something!
Years or seconds or lives are also like days.
I think that annoyances/frustrations may spur me more to work than desires do? The latter may make me more comfortable, complacent?
That would be consistent with some other facts. People seem to make purchases, or avoid crimes, more strongly when there's a pain or pressure.
I'm not sure about this whole adulthood thing, seems like there's lots of adjusting to things you can't do much about.
(In thick Italian-American accent) "Why's everyone talkin' about my type? Genotypin'? I'm Geno, so what about my type?!"
Idea: Like a vending machine, but instead of drinks or snacks, hot food. It can include electric heating elements, or a microwave.
Probably exists somewhere, but I don't think I've seen it.
I think maybe caffeine and alcohol are bad matches for my body? They're addictive which I don't handle well. They produce anxiety and depression which I'm already prone to. Maybe they have their uses, and are more suitable for other people, but I think they don't mesh with me that well.
Imagine if there were a drug that made you feel good (an upper), with no side effects, and it were free and available anywhere. I think that exercise is the closest thing to that.
I find breadfruit trees funny. They're huge, as are their fruits. The fruits taste like starches, not fruits. The trees produce so much, they don't seem to mind if animals devour their fruits.
Sugar seems way more potent now than I'd thought (or than society gives credit for). I just ate a huge amount of generic nutella (super delicious)! Now I feel high. Giving kids sugar seems like giving kids cocaine (which also acts on dopamine).
You change through the progress of your efforts. Each day/week/year brings a different you.
Some things I've been working on for years seem to be nearing "completion." Feels stupendous, if also somewhat frustrating.
Bringing together our different individual elements, to produce strong wholes! :)
I wonder what country I'll be in a year from now? :)
I'm guessing… Uruguay?! :)
In the shopping mall of countries, where do you go?
From the outside, before or after, things can look simpler than they are. From the inside of a process, things can look more complex than they are. Having both views (in & out) can provide balance.
Conscientiousness is a super-tool. And to some extent you can choose to develop it! :)
We should say thank you to your problems.
(Often our problems produce our best results.)
Maybe only another couple of months here in Capesterre?
It's important to clean things so that you can get them dirty. :)
I find it somewhat disturbing that there are people, perhaps the majority, in these small towns, who have probably seen far less of the town even after living here for decades than I have in a few months. I understand it, though, it's not like I went out of my way to see so much of places before I started traveling longer-term.
Anything affects the brain: food, drink, drugs, experiences, water.
Some things take a while, but do eventually happen! :)
If a bicycle could think about itself, I don't think it'd get bored of doing so. :)
"I can't believe I'm fuckin' goin' around the world!!!!! :)"
My thoughts to myself while going through some notes.
Many of my ideas seem to turn out way incorrect. I guess it makes sense to go out there to test ideas. :)
We don't get to control everything in our environments. But at least we get to control our behaviors by-and-large.
Color in the map!
Looking at a map of the continents now looks like a manageable, ongoing challenge!!!!! :)
Now appreciating caffeine more, but not using it as much. Is it a miracle drug?
You have to fuckin' deal with situations. It's naive but normal to feel disturbance, but in practice it's more effective to manage the response, take some losses or some leaves, then carry forth, instead of going crazy.
Fiction often seems unrealistically positive. The protagonist overcomes the adversaries. Non-fiction often seems unrealistically negative. If it bleads, it leads. Games seem more realistic. It's highly uncertain, you can win or lose, it depends on your skill level.
While each person may have to take individual responsibility in order to achieve goals, I still think that we can offer more assistance than just saying "it's your responsibility." I think we can teach those we care about some specifics about HOW to take responsibility, like delineating some common areas of responsibility (finance, health, relationships), as well as recommending some techniques (regular work regardless of conditions, taking risks).
I want to act creatively!!!!! :)
I can't count how many times I've been fired, lost, kicked out of establishments or town, thought I was going to die, or the like. Somehow after a while they seem to blur away. :)
I'm now feeling stuck (again). At first a huge relief to find a stable place here, have a chance to catch up on so much stuff. Now, with the Coronavirus still running, I also have a few packages in the mail that I'm waiting on. I want to go on, but have to stay. Frustrating!
A bunch of stuff has evolved dramatically for me over the last month. After some serious struggles, I feel stronger but also vulnerable. Hungry to go again. Much better generally!
Rock & Roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)