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==One-liners==
 
==One-liners==
 +
 +
What's the wittiest you can say in just one line?
  
 
* In a new cost-cutting measure, the US government is changing the American flag to purple and white.
 
* In a new cost-cutting measure, the US government is changing the American flag to purple and white.
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* "White people aren't hampered by emotions."
 
* "White people aren't hampered by emotions."
 
* "Build on your successes and cover up your failures."
 
* "Build on your successes and cover up your failures."
 +
* "Bob Marley wisely changed his early demo title from 'One or Two Loves.'"
 +
* "In Florida, can you get Key Lyme Disease?"
 +
* America: land of the brave, home of the free refill.
 +
* "I'm gonna have to ask you leave the building, cuz you're smokin'!"
 +
* "Philosophers seek the truth, and are therefore among the most maligned of humans."
 +
* "Did you know that the jet ski was invented by a Pole?"
 +
* "Wait, there are ''people'' riding the chaos of Earth's surface?!"
 +
* "When I'm rich, I'll only bathe in coconut water!"
 +
* "You call it a bird feeder, I call it a cat feedr!"
 +
* "I'm feeling sort of misogynistic, but not in a horny way."
 +
* "If you're a feminist, does that mean you'll do me with a strap-on?"
 +
* Hitman: "Oh, you know, I thought I'd go in this weekend, get a little work done."
  
 
==Q&A==
 
==Q&A==
 +
 +
Want to know more? You know you do!
  
 
* Q. What do you call a library in Mexico? A. Fiesta!
 
* Q. What do you call a library in Mexico? A. Fiesta!
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* Q. How many homebuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Just one.
 
* Q. How many homebuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Just one.
 
* ...
 
* ...
 +
* Q. What do you call a library in African America? A. The Martin Luther King, Jr. branch.
 +
* Q. What sound is made by a Marley-Davidson? A. A reggae roar.
  
 
==Back-and-Forth==
 
==Back-and-Forth==
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 +
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dozens The dozens]. How many ya got?
 +
 
* "It feels really good." "Like farting in the bath?" "No, like peeing in the bath."
 
* "It feels really good." "Like farting in the bath?" "No, like peeing in the bath."
 +
* Businessman: "What are you working on?" Beachgoer: "I'm working on my tan." Seagull: "Hahahahaha!"
 +
 +
==Acts & Scenes==
 +
 +
Dramedy!
 +
 +
===A bite to eat===
 +
 +
In a southern diner, a NORTHERN GUEST, looking at menu, speaks with a WAITRESS:
 +
 +
NORTHERN GUEST
 +
 +
Excuse me, I don't see your kale salad with quinoa.
 +
 +
WAITRESS
 +
 +
Huh?
 +
 +
GUEST
 +
 +
And are your waffles non-GMO, vegan, gluten-free, and organic?
 +
 +
WAITRESS
 +
 +
Sorry, ma'am, we don't have no G.I. Joe figures here.
 +
 +
GUEST
 +
 +
I think I'll just have your... hm... chicken-apple-pecan salad, hold the chicken and pecans.
 +
 +
WAITRESS
 +
 +
Y'all just want a plate of apples?
 +
 +
GUEST
 +
 +
And bring me a cup of cranberry rooibos.
 +
 +
WAITRESS
 +
 +
Would y'all like any extra bacon?
 +
 +
 +
===Another bite ===
 +
 +
I went to a Chinese restaurant with my autistic friend. A German couple behind us sent back a bowl of soup with a hair in it. My friend goes, "Why do people complain when they get a hair in their soup? Didn't they go out to eat?"
 +
 +
===Imagery===
 +
 +
* Peace sign with:
 +
** Pepperoni slices (piece of pizza)
 +
** Candles (piece of cake)
 +
* Red white and blue silhouette port logos for se:
 +
** Solo (male, female, various positions)
 +
** Couple (various positions)
 +
** Group (various positions)
 +
* Science diagrams:
 +
** The Oh cycle: how alcohol travels from grain to production to sale to consumption to vomit new plant growth etc.
 +
* etc.! :)
 +
 +
===Signs of the Times===
 +
 +
A sign language series. With textual subtitles.
 +
 +
* Dad: "Do your homework." Kid: "No." Dad: "DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK!" Kid: "NO!"
  
 
{{What a Joke}}
 
{{What a Joke}}
  
 
[[Category:Jokes]]
 
[[Category:Jokes]]

Latest revision as of 06:41, 27 December 2018

Have a laugh 'n' a half!

This'll blow air through your ears...

One-liners[edit]

What's the wittiest you can say in just one line?

  • In a new cost-cutting measure, the US government is changing the American flag to purple and white.
  • "That editor needs a semicolonoscopy."
  • "In the US, saying hi to a girl is sexual harassment, and the age of consent is thirty five."
  • "It sure seems like a lot of sheriffs are Jewish."
  • "...the hot new dance track, 'I Left my Right Leg (Back in Iraq)'..."
  • "Ever take the kind of shit that gives you PTSD?"
  • "Ever take the kind of crap that takes a C-section?"
  • "I love dogs, with a little Hoisin."
  • "Of course mustard's not as good on hot dogs! The military doesn't kill people with ketchup gas, does it?"
  • "White people aren't hampered by emotions."
  • "Build on your successes and cover up your failures."
  • "Bob Marley wisely changed his early demo title from 'One or Two Loves.'"
  • "In Florida, can you get Key Lyme Disease?"
  • America: land of the brave, home of the free refill.
  • "I'm gonna have to ask you leave the building, cuz you're smokin'!"
  • "Philosophers seek the truth, and are therefore among the most maligned of humans."
  • "Did you know that the jet ski was invented by a Pole?"
  • "Wait, there are people riding the chaos of Earth's surface?!"
  • "When I'm rich, I'll only bathe in coconut water!"
  • "You call it a bird feeder, I call it a cat feedr!"
  • "I'm feeling sort of misogynistic, but not in a horny way."
  • "If you're a feminist, does that mean you'll do me with a strap-on?"
  • Hitman: "Oh, you know, I thought I'd go in this weekend, get a little work done."

Q&A[edit]

Want to know more? You know you do!

  • Q. What do you call a library in Mexico? A. Fiesta!
  • Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. Just cuz.
  • Q. How many homebuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Just one.
  • ...
  • Q. What do you call a library in African America? A. The Martin Luther King, Jr. branch.
  • Q. What sound is made by a Marley-Davidson? A. A reggae roar.

Back-and-Forth[edit]

The dozens. How many ya got?

  • "It feels really good." "Like farting in the bath?" "No, like peeing in the bath."
  • Businessman: "What are you working on?" Beachgoer: "I'm working on my tan." Seagull: "Hahahahaha!"

Acts & Scenes[edit]

Dramedy!

A bite to eat[edit]

In a southern diner, a NORTHERN GUEST, looking at menu, speaks with a WAITRESS:

NORTHERN GUEST

Excuse me, I don't see your kale salad with quinoa.

WAITRESS

Huh?

GUEST

And are your waffles non-GMO, vegan, gluten-free, and organic?

WAITRESS

Sorry, ma'am, we don't have no G.I. Joe figures here.

GUEST

I think I'll just have your... hm... chicken-apple-pecan salad, hold the chicken and pecans.

WAITRESS

Y'all just want a plate of apples?

GUEST

And bring me a cup of cranberry rooibos.

WAITRESS

Would y'all like any extra bacon?


Another bite[edit]

I went to a Chinese restaurant with my autistic friend. A German couple behind us sent back a bowl of soup with a hair in it. My friend goes, "Why do people complain when they get a hair in their soup? Didn't they go out to eat?"

Imagery[edit]

  • Peace sign with:
    • Pepperoni slices (piece of pizza)
    • Candles (piece of cake)
  • Red white and blue silhouette port logos for se:
    • Solo (male, female, various positions)
    • Couple (various positions)
    • Group (various positions)
  • Science diagrams:
    • The Oh cycle: how alcohol travels from grain to production to sale to consumption to vomit new plant growth etc.
  • etc.! :)

Signs of the Times[edit]

A sign language series. With textual subtitles.

  • Dad: "Do your homework." Kid: "No." Dad: "DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK!" Kid: "NO!"

What a Joke?! is a book of jokes. Get it?

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