Difference between revisions of "What a Joke?!"

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(→‎One-liners: add one! :))
 
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[[File:Laugh.JPG|thumb|Have a laugh 'n' a half!]]
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This'll blow air through your ears...
 
This'll blow air through your ears...
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==One-liners==
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What's the wittiest you can say in just one line?
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* In a new cost-cutting measure, the US government is changing the American flag to purple and white.
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* "That editor needs a semicolonoscopy."
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* "In the US, saying hi to a girl is sexual harassment, and the age of consent is thirty five."
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* "It sure seems like a lot of sheriffs are Jewish."
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* "...the hot new dance track, 'I Left my Right Leg (Back in Iraq)'..."
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* "Ever take the kind of shit that gives you PTSD?"
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* "Ever take the kind of crap that takes a C-section?"
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* "I love dogs, with a little Hoisin."
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* "Of course mustard's not as good on hot dogs! The military doesn't kill people with ketchup gas, does it?"
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* "White people aren't hampered by emotions."
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* "Build on your successes and cover up your failures."
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* "Bob Marley wisely changed his early demo title from 'One or Two Loves.'"
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* "In Florida, can you get Key Lyme Disease?"
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* America: land of the brave, home of the free refill.
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* "I'm gonna have to ask you leave the building, cuz you're smokin'!"
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* "Philosophers seek the truth, and are therefore among the most maligned of humans."
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* "Did you know that the jet ski was invented by a Pole?"
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* "Wait, there are ''people'' riding the chaos of Earth's surface?!"
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* "When I'm rich, I'll only bathe in coconut water!"
 +
* "You call it a bird feeder, I call it a cat feedr!"
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* "I'm feeling sort of misogynistic, but not in a horny way."
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* "If you're a feminist, does that mean you'll do me with a strap-on?"
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* Hitman: "Oh, you know, I thought I'd go in this weekend, get a little work done."
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==Q&A==
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Want to know more? You know you do!
  
 
* Q. What do you call a library in Mexico? A. Fiesta!
 
* Q. What do you call a library in Mexico? A. Fiesta!
Line 5: Line 39:
 
* Q. How many homebuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Just one.
 
* Q. How many homebuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Just one.
 
* ...
 
* ...
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* Q. What do you call a library in African America? A. The Martin Luther King, Jr. branch.
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* Q. What sound is made by a Marley-Davidson? A. A reggae roar.
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==Back-and-Forth==
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[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dozens The dozens]. How many ya got?
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* "It feels really good." "Like farting in the bath?" "No, like peeing in the bath."
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* Businessman: "What are you working on?" Beachgoer: "I'm working on my tan." Seagull: "Hahahahaha!"
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==Acts & Scenes==
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Dramedy!
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===A bite to eat===
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In a southern diner, a NORTHERN GUEST, looking at menu, speaks with a WAITRESS:
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NORTHERN GUEST
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Excuse me, I don't see your kale salad with quinoa.
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 +
WAITRESS
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Huh?
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GUEST
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And are your waffles non-GMO, vegan, gluten-free, and organic?
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WAITRESS
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Sorry, ma'am, we don't have no G.I. Joe figures here.
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 +
GUEST
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I think I'll just have your... hm... chicken-apple-pecan salad, hold the chicken and pecans.
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WAITRESS
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Y'all just want a plate of apples?
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GUEST
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And bring me a cup of cranberry rooibos.
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WAITRESS
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Would y'all like any extra bacon?
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===Another bite ===
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I went to a Chinese restaurant with my autistic friend. A German couple behind us sent back a bowl of soup with a hair in it. My friend goes, "Why do people complain when they get a hair in their soup? Didn't they go out to eat?"
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===Imagery===
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* Peace sign with:
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** Pepperoni slices (piece of pizza)
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** Candles (piece of cake)
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* Red white and blue silhouette port logos for se:
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** Solo (male, female, various positions)
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** Couple (various positions)
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** Group (various positions)
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* Science diagrams:
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** The Oh cycle: how alcohol travels from grain to production to sale to consumption to vomit new plant growth etc.
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* etc.! :)
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===Signs of the Times===
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A sign language series. With textual subtitles.
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* Dad: "Do your homework." Kid: "No." Dad: "DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK!" Kid: "NO!"
  
 
{{What a Joke}}
 
{{What a Joke}}
  
 
[[Category:Jokes]]
 
[[Category:Jokes]]

Latest revision as of 06:41, 27 December 2018

Have a laugh 'n' a half!

This'll blow air through your ears...

One-liners[edit]

What's the wittiest you can say in just one line?

  • In a new cost-cutting measure, the US government is changing the American flag to purple and white.
  • "That editor needs a semicolonoscopy."
  • "In the US, saying hi to a girl is sexual harassment, and the age of consent is thirty five."
  • "It sure seems like a lot of sheriffs are Jewish."
  • "...the hot new dance track, 'I Left my Right Leg (Back in Iraq)'..."
  • "Ever take the kind of shit that gives you PTSD?"
  • "Ever take the kind of crap that takes a C-section?"
  • "I love dogs, with a little Hoisin."
  • "Of course mustard's not as good on hot dogs! The military doesn't kill people with ketchup gas, does it?"
  • "White people aren't hampered by emotions."
  • "Build on your successes and cover up your failures."
  • "Bob Marley wisely changed his early demo title from 'One or Two Loves.'"
  • "In Florida, can you get Key Lyme Disease?"
  • America: land of the brave, home of the free refill.
  • "I'm gonna have to ask you leave the building, cuz you're smokin'!"
  • "Philosophers seek the truth, and are therefore among the most maligned of humans."
  • "Did you know that the jet ski was invented by a Pole?"
  • "Wait, there are people riding the chaos of Earth's surface?!"
  • "When I'm rich, I'll only bathe in coconut water!"
  • "You call it a bird feeder, I call it a cat feedr!"
  • "I'm feeling sort of misogynistic, but not in a horny way."
  • "If you're a feminist, does that mean you'll do me with a strap-on?"
  • Hitman: "Oh, you know, I thought I'd go in this weekend, get a little work done."

Q&A[edit]

Want to know more? You know you do!

  • Q. What do you call a library in Mexico? A. Fiesta!
  • Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. Just cuz.
  • Q. How many homebuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Just one.
  • ...
  • Q. What do you call a library in African America? A. The Martin Luther King, Jr. branch.
  • Q. What sound is made by a Marley-Davidson? A. A reggae roar.

Back-and-Forth[edit]

The dozens. How many ya got?

  • "It feels really good." "Like farting in the bath?" "No, like peeing in the bath."
  • Businessman: "What are you working on?" Beachgoer: "I'm working on my tan." Seagull: "Hahahahaha!"

Acts & Scenes[edit]

Dramedy!

A bite to eat[edit]

In a southern diner, a NORTHERN GUEST, looking at menu, speaks with a WAITRESS:

NORTHERN GUEST

Excuse me, I don't see your kale salad with quinoa.

WAITRESS

Huh?

GUEST

And are your waffles non-GMO, vegan, gluten-free, and organic?

WAITRESS

Sorry, ma'am, we don't have no G.I. Joe figures here.

GUEST

I think I'll just have your... hm... chicken-apple-pecan salad, hold the chicken and pecans.

WAITRESS

Y'all just want a plate of apples?

GUEST

And bring me a cup of cranberry rooibos.

WAITRESS

Would y'all like any extra bacon?


Another bite[edit]

I went to a Chinese restaurant with my autistic friend. A German couple behind us sent back a bowl of soup with a hair in it. My friend goes, "Why do people complain when they get a hair in their soup? Didn't they go out to eat?"

Imagery[edit]

  • Peace sign with:
    • Pepperoni slices (piece of pizza)
    • Candles (piece of cake)
  • Red white and blue silhouette port logos for se:
    • Solo (male, female, various positions)
    • Couple (various positions)
    • Group (various positions)
  • Science diagrams:
    • The Oh cycle: how alcohol travels from grain to production to sale to consumption to vomit new plant growth etc.
  • etc.! :)

Signs of the Times[edit]

A sign language series. With textual subtitles.

  • Dad: "Do your homework." Kid: "No." Dad: "DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK!" Kid: "NO!"

What a Joke?! is a book of jokes. Get it?

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